Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
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Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.