PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
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It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Stop it! 😂
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.