[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
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Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
plant them where lol
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’