@brennadine

[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT

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@serialmatrix

How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?

@aveuaskew

My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.

@bornmiserable

You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.

@TheMichaelRock

I always bring in a dozen donuts to work the first day after the New Year, just for my coworkers on a diet.

@faizziy

My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..

@Mom_Overboard

my dog: LEMME OUT

me: you gonna bark?

dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT

me: what things?

dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT

me: you don’t need to bark at the wind

dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT

@OctopusCaveman

Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad

@NJPsychDoc

My neighbor introduced his wife to me as his better half. I returned the courtesy by introducing my wife to him as the lesser of two evils.

@roxiqt

ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now

FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—

ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all

@carlyken

9: Mom! Where’s my Spiderman costume? I want to wear it to the science museum
“In your closet, why?”
9: DUH. To attract radioactive spiders!