Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
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home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.