“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
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[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.