cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
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[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
My beach vacation Google searches