@MattTheBrand

cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest

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@markedly

On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.

@Average_Dad1

In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me

@Underchilde

Stop, drop and roll if your clothes are on fire or if you spot your ex under the mistletoe.

@BillDixonish

Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.

@AndyVale

What do we want? CLICKBAIT

When do we want it? The answer will shock you.

@freefanaddict

So no one is discussing the fact that they are still putting those vile black jelly beans in the bag like people eat them?

@david8hughes

Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.