On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
You Might Also Like
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Stop, drop and roll if your clothes are on fire or if you spot your ex under the mistletoe.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
What do we want? CLICKBAIT
When do we want it? The answer will shock you.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
So no one is discussing the fact that they are still putting those vile black jelly beans in the bag like people eat them?
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.