cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
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People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.