[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
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Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.