Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
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Pesto could be magical if only it had an R in it
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”
Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Brain: Don’t do it.
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-
“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn