cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
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[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about