*cat rubs against genie lamp*
G: you get one wish
Cat:*makes eye contact & slowly pushes lamp off table*
G: guess who just wished for a dog

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Ghost Obi-Wan: You will go to the Dagobah system

Luke: Dagobah system?

Ghost Obi-Wan: There you will learn from Yoda

Ghost Obi-Wan: mostly about doing handstands

Ghost Obi-Wan: he’s really big on handstands honestly it’s like 96% handstands


Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.


If you feel like your parents didn’t hug you enough as a child then it’s probably because they didn’t really want you.

Good talk.


He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.


Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.


My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.


I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine


if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks


God: Done

Angel: you can’t be finished

God: I am

Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-

God: aaand send