Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
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Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Autocarrot sucks!
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
this has done me in for some reason
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.