@NewDadNotes

*cat rubs against genie lamp*
G: you get one wish
Cat:*makes eye contact & slowly pushes lamp off table*
G: guess who just wished for a dog

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@ObsKenobs

Ghost Obi-Wan: You will go to the Dagobah system

Luke: Dagobah system?

Ghost Obi-Wan: There you will learn from Yoda

Ghost Obi-Wan: mostly about doing handstands

Ghost Obi-Wan: he’s really big on handstands honestly it’s like 96% handstands

@sfreeze6

Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.

@That_Damn_Duck

If you feel like your parents didn’t hug you enough as a child then it’s probably because they didn’t really want you.

Good talk.

@junejuly12

He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.

@sixfootcandy

Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.

@krisv_723

My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.

@Lottie_Poppie

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine

@ch000ch

if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks

@Reverend_Scott

God: Done

Angel: you can’t be finished

God: I am

Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-

God: aaand send