@captainkalvis

cat: [running around chasing a laser]

dog sniper: god damn it

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@DontDraketheIce

Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad

@GermanFreckles

*enter password*

*wrong*

*wrong*

*wrong*

*reset password*

*new password can’t be the same as old password*

@NewDadNotes

Wife: our daughter just said shit.

Me: oh no! what do we do?

Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.

Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?

@phalguy

I’m sleeping in this morning.

Bladder: MUHAHAHAHA!!

@Darlainky

Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.

@FeelingEuphoric

Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly

@JeffSarcastic

My wife found a spider in the shower.

Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.

@thatUPSdude

Forget “once you go black you never go back”

I say

“For that special occasion go caucasian”

@ThePocketJustin

The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.