Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
cat: [running around chasing a laser]
dog sniper: god damn it
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Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
*new password can’t be the same as old password*
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
I’m sleeping in this morning.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Forget “once you go black you never go back”
“For that special occasion go caucasian”
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.