Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
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Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
I saw nothing
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
my name if I was in the mob