Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
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ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?