cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
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Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
(Gaming support cat.)
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.