cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
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[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Florida man
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”