CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
You Might Also Like
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
if a cop pulls u over play dead
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!