CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
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Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog