Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
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When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”