Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
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2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up