Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?

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I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!


-Do you take drugs?
-Ever tried them?
-You seem very nervous.
-I’m just not used to being questioned by a unicorn.


Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before


I vacuumed up a giant spider, so now I just have to leave the hoover running for the rest of my life so it can’t get out again.


the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it


I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.


The fastest way to get someone to call you back is to go take a shower.


Hug a tree. Then rub your hands along it’s trunk and tell it how knotty it is.