@Staggfilms

Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?

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@AmberSmelson

I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!

@samuelhlowe

-Do you take drugs?
-No.
-Ever tried them?
-Never.
-You seem very nervous.
-I’m just not used to being questioned by a unicorn.

@dire_beard

Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before

@GinAndJif

I vacuumed up a giant spider, so now I just have to leave the hoover running for the rest of my life so it can’t get out again.

@Sotherans

the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it

@TheRolo

I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.

@abuya_henry

The fastest way to get someone to call you back is to go take a shower.

@UrbanDouchebag

Hug a tree. Then rub your hands along it’s trunk and tell it how knotty it is.