Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
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When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Stop.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.