Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
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Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?