@skele_tim

CAT VAMPIRE: let me in!
ME: ok
CAT VAMPIRE: you fool! now I will suck your bl-
ME: *closes door*
CAT VAMPIRE: …
CAT VAMPIRE: let me out

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@jollyrobber

Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.

Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?

@GrumpyBahr

Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.

Boss: Thought she died last month?

Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.

@tehaveragejoel

“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*

@TheBoydP

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.

@realHamOnWry

Today Donald Trump renewed his talk about surveillance on Mosques, gun control and adding alligators to FBI No Fly lists.

@pittdave13

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”

@KWalps

Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.

@TheMichaelRock

The four scariest words any husband can hear are “guess what today is?”

@Matt_The_1st

Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles

@SortaBad

Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?

Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation