@skele_tim

CAT VAMPIRE: let me in!
ME: ok
CAT VAMPIRE: you fool! now I will suck your bl-
ME: *closes door*
CAT VAMPIRE: …
CAT VAMPIRE: let me out

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@MarkAgee

STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today

@Kyle_Lippert

911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”

@FilthyRichmond

I taught the kids to sign my name on report cards and detention slips because a good parent knows how to delegate responsibility.

@realfunghi

You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”

Including classics such as:

– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!

And the chart topping hit:

– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!

@MarfSalvador

teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now

@ElKnuckelhombre

My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!

@jackiembouvier

Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!

@KalvinMacleod

WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*

@arcadeseals

[watching the lion king]

me: i’ve never seen this before

wife: oh dear, better get the tissues ready

me: i hardly think i’m going to jack off to a bunch of lions karen

@KylePlantEmoji

Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?

Advisor: let me take their temperature

Queen: ?

Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king

Queen: how do you know?

Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises