@realHamOnWry

Cat: What are you doing?

Me: Reloading my bong

Cat: You really need it?

Me: I know my limits, why?

Cat: You know cats can’t talk, right?

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@Reverend_Scott

Inspirational tweet: There’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope yours is a freight train.

@SatansTongue

Stop calling hurricanes names, you’re just giving them the attention that they want

@msbtx

Son: What does “nihilism” mean?
Me: “Everything is meaningless.”
Son: Wow ok nice attitude. Do you know what it means or not?

@seamussaid

I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”

@rachelle_mandik

ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—

@TheAdly

I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.

@GingerHotDish

Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?

There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.

*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*

@karanbirtinna

Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.

Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.

Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.

Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?

@daemonic3

I’m a:
?man
?woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
?skateboard
?carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
?shred
?fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

@GrantTanaka

when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too