Inspirational tweet: There’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope yours is a freight train.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Reloading my bong
Cat: You really need it?
Me: I know my limits, why?
Cat: You know cats can’t talk, right?
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Stop calling hurricanes names, you’re just giving them the attention that they want
Son: What does “nihilism” mean?
Me: “Everything is meaningless.”
Son: Wow ok nice attitude. Do you know what it means or not?
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
I’m wanted (wanted):
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too