i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
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Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm