My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
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Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”