Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
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7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
When I grow up, I want to be 16
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
just gave your address to some spiders
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.