I’m not crying. I’m just watering my moustache.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
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Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Sees apostrophe after noun
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
my son saw a cemetery and said “that’s where they plant ghosts”
Me: *audible toot*
Me: I am not here to make friends.