Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
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HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go