Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
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Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
The Onion called it…again.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
watergate? u mean a dam??
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes