@CantWaitToNap

“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.

*screams as police dog takes me down.

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@Vhalechark

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

@MissHavisham

7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL

@roboticcrab

[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself

@clindsaysway

When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.

@CourtneyBale

[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail

@primawesome

All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.

@CatherineLMK

Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.

@G_Faylor

i’m old enough to remember when yogurt was hellogurt

@beefman138

Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.

– Alien Vs Creditor.