Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*screams as police dog takes me down.
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7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
i’m old enough to remember when yogurt was hellogurt
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”