“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
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o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Money is the root of all wealth
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.