Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
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Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I have obtained a hat
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?