Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
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I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
The only equipped I am is ill.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls