@drinksmcgee

*catches a pretty girl’s eye
*puts it in a jar of formaldehyde with all the other eyes I’ve collected

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@chuuew

[sending smoke signals]

*your*

*house*

*is*

*on*

*fire*

@Dawn_M_

Of course you can trust me with your secret.

*Calls local news team

@thepatrickwalsh

Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”

@robfee

“I’m still years behind on Breaking Bad so I expect the entire internet not to discuss it until it’s convenient for me.” – Idiots

@AsgardianRose

Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.

@platinum2000

If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…

@JesKeepSwimming

I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.

@WheelTod

[Busy Diner]

Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”

Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”