Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂