[sending smoke signals]
*catches a pretty girl’s eye
*puts it in a jar of formaldehyde with all the other eyes I’ve collected
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Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
My current diet is similar to a 9yr old who just found $20.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
“I’m still years behind on Breaking Bad so I expect the entire internet not to discuss it until it’s convenient for me.” – Idiots
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”