@Brampersandon_

*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”

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@sarcasticmommy4

My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.

@tweetsbyrocket

[hogwarts]

plumber: i’ve come to do the pipes

salazar slytherin: make sure they’re big enough for a giant snake

plumber: why

salazar slytherin: no reason

@AbbyHasIssues

Welcome to adulthood.

You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.

@ThugRaccoons

Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off

Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?

@TeflonPawn

Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.

@BunAndLeggings

The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.

@SJSchauer

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

@envydatropic

I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing