My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
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plumber: i’ve come to do the pipes
salazar slytherin: make sure they’re big enough for a giant snake
salazar slytherin: no reason
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
*First day as therapist*
Me: Stop that.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one
My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!