How can you teach your child about adversity if you don’t leave a diaper unchanged once in a while?
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
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Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Do you smoke? Smokers: “Yes.” Non-Smokers: “Never have, never will.” Stoners: “Smoke what?”
Hopscotch would be a lot more challenging if the kids actually had scotch..
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
[adam sandler voice] oh yesh das right
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Anyway here’s Wonderwall
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*