*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”

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My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.



plumber: i’ve come to do the pipes

salazar slytherin: make sure they’re big enough for a giant snake

plumber: why

salazar slytherin: no reason


Welcome to adulthood.

You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.


Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off

Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?


Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.


The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.


*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?


I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing