@Brampersandon_

*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”

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@curlycomedy

How can you teach your child about adversity if you don’t leave a diaper unchanged once in a while?

@PinkCamoTO

Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.

@PersianCeltic

Do you smoke? Smokers: “Yes.” Non-Smokers: “Never have, never will.” Stoners: “Smoke what?”

@DKG26

Hopscotch would be a lot more challenging if the kids actually had scotch..

@pancake_puns

did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past

@HomeWithPeanut

My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.

Well played, old man. Well played.

@ProZD

me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

@itmegreggy

Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur

me: I won’t I’m not an idiot

Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery

me: *eyes narrow*