Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
*Catches the dead body at the wedding*
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I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
*points to refrigerator*
That makes things cold
*points to stove*
That makes things hot
*points to self*
That makes things awkward
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Storks leave cute babies. Crows leave ugly babies. Swallows leave no babies!
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.