@gothicaseas

*Catches the dead body at the wedding*

You Might Also Like

@funflaps

Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy

@MorganJ7

I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.

@daemonic3

Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?

“You mean MAY, not CAN”

Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?

@NicestHippo

*points to refrigerator*
That makes things cold
*points to stove*
That makes things hot
*points to self*
That makes things awkward

@_TayTayJustine

Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.

Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.

@indiedaylie

Storks leave cute babies. Crows leave ugly babies. Swallows leave no babies!

@jwoodham

BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”

@Laser_Cat

[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.