*Catches the dead body at the wedding*

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Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy


I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.


Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?

“You mean MAY, not CAN”

Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?


*points to refrigerator*
That makes things cold
*points to stove*
That makes things hot
*points to self*
That makes things awkward


Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.

Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.


Storks leave cute babies. Crows leave ugly babies. Swallows leave no babies!


BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”


Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.