[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
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Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”