*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
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Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Breaking news:
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.