@coryrichardson_

[catching up with an old friend]

me: [out of breath] how are you still so fast

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@TheCiscoKidder

A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.

@itcorru

[guy about to invent monopoly]

*looking at friends* i have too many of these

@GrantTanaka

*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles

@wickedimproper

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.

@Reverend_Scott

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

@tweetrajouhari

When famous people say that the key to great skin is like… simply washing with soap… I want them to go to jaiI for this.

@DothTheDoth

As your goth healthcare provider I urge you to drink water. There is nothing more attractive or intimidating than a hydrated goth.

@KeetPotato

“i said make him fetch”
yeah?
“what have you done”
he looks pretty fetching to me
*dog in shirt & tie*
does he have a job interview or somet

@iRowlf

I like to think that when Homer Simpson suffers from erectile dysfunction, he chokes his wiener and yells “Why you little!!!!!”

@GaryJanetti

College graduates, did you know there are people that went to Princeton that can’t find a job? And you just went to a normal shitty school.