[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
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People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
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( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down