*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
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I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.