@Rollmaninoz

*Caterpillar marriage therapy*

Wife: he’s not the man I married

Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!

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@_Ashley_Jordan

I’m going to walk up to strangers and ask “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes, I will hand them a photo of me and walk away.

@yonewt

Searching for that special woman to share my interest in candlelit dinners, walks on the beach, and losing my shit over inanimate objects

@El_nacho_Nigre

I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.

@Contwixt

I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.

@ewfeez

GENIE: you have found my lamp, so I must grant you four wishes
ME: I thought it was three?
GENIE: You need four

@peterjames48

Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”

@LadyJanieGeek

Came downstairs to find my 85 year old mum watching the TV
Me:” Why are you watching Thatcher’s funeral?”
Mum: “Just to make sure”

@thenatewolf

*on a first date*

Me: [remembering how my friend said women like mysterious men] my favorite color is a secret

@iwearaonesie

wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!

wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?