@Rollmaninoz

*Caterpillar marriage therapy*

Wife: he’s not the man I married

Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!

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@Contwixt

Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.

@FuckabillyRex

Her: Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Me: It’s a meatball sub and I’m happy as long as I don’t have to share

@amishschool

Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.

@Sassafrantz

Changed Grandma’s email signature to “Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal!”

@ItsDanSheehan

Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings

@mynameisntdave

If you want your dog to take a pill:

1. Get a piece of cheese

2. Eat the cheese for energy

3. Get ready to wrestle your dog

@SirEvisiae

*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*

@louisvirtel

Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.