Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
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Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Good morning, Twitter x
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
This is me 🤣🤣
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room