The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
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8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.