Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
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me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
You wish you had this many chins.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent