@bamb00zld

Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.

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@SequelsWeWant

Inside Out 2:

The girl enters puberty.

Her emotions get out of control.

She goes Goth.

Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep

@GrantTanaka

We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore

@ecareyo

Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?

@Gooooats

My Eight Year Old: Why do I have to learn cursive?
Me: Literally no reason at all.

@Scimommy

Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.

@kcmoore51

Oh you’re in the shower? Here’s the seven worst songs from your playlist.

– shuffle mode

@ninjadinosaur1

My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches

@StarWarsProblms

Yoda: *dies and fades away*

Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.

Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.

@Book_Krazy

Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.

Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!