Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
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Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man