Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
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My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.