Cats (2019)
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My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car