The prophecy is fulfilled
You Might Also Like
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”