@Muna_Mire

cats are absolutely obsessed being *just* out of reach. the illusion of access. the original celebrity

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@WritePlay

*date*

GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?

LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.

@TheAndrewNadeau

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

@daddydoubts

3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?

Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Cricket: what am I?

God: a bug

Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?

God: you sorta jump big

Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?

God: nah buddy that’s a bird

Bird: *chirps*

Cricket: *chirps*

God: no stop that

@NewDadNotes

Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?

Daughter: I don’t know.

Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.

@KyleMcDowell86

[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important

@MikeCanRant

What idiot called it British conjoined twins and not chapstick?

@juliussharpe

How about instead of shaking hands we nod at each other and that way we both won’t have to wash our hands?

@WildeThingy

Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker