McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
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I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
me irl
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Software Development ⛵️
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*