Cats are just fuzzy plants that hate you.

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I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people


HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.

ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.


*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:

Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?

Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did


If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person


Cop: what the hell are you doing

Me: just holding this old lady’s hand while i cross the street sir

Cop: wh- where’s the rest of her


“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”


I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”

It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.


*6yo comes out with dripping wet face*
Me: what did you do?
6: my brother dared me to dip my face in the toilet water



A graham cracker is just a white dude selling coke in the ghetto.