I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Cats are just fuzzy plants that hate you.
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HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”
Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Cop: what the hell are you doing
Me: just holding this old lady’s hand while i cross the street sir
Cop: wh- where’s the rest of her
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
If a recipe tells me to drain the fat I stop reading immediately
*6yo comes out with dripping wet face*
Me: what did you do?
6: my brother dared me to dip my face in the toilet water
A graham cracker is just a white dude selling coke in the ghetto.