Cats are still liquid.
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Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …