cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil

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[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!


Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan


me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger

tger: give it back


BIRD FACT: cardinals often engage in prolonged violent fights with their own reflections and you know what cardinals, I’m pushing 40 I get it


Dating is like playing musical chairs. Somewhere between 25&30 the music stopped& everyone grabbed a husband. I must’ve been in the bathroom


grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them


*writes on wall in ketchup*

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.


Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician


If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.


Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.

Universe: Humble her.