cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
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* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that